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Monday, September 24, 2001 | 02:18 p.m.
Fuuuu... Just printing out a paper for class in a lab.
Anyway...seems like they're _saying_ something more reasonable now (since it wasn't the prez speaking...). But I was reading the school newspaper and I was glad to see that many people do _think_ about the whole affair rather than just reacting. I am, however, sad to note that some of it is just turning into a mud slinging war... -_-;;; But I guess that's better than no debate.
On another note... I'm on a Tekken rampage... -v- Not playing the games, but just collecting Tekken wallpapers, mpegs, desktop themes, etc. XD I'm gonna make my own desktop theme though 'cause there wasn't any out there that I liked. XP I'll upload it somewhere if I can figure out how exactly it works. XD If anyone has preference among Jun Kazama, Lee Chaolan, and Kazuya Mishima, then lemme know ahead of time so I can make one for you. XD Right now, I'm making a theme with all of them in it. Too bad I can't really get the wav sounds... Images, I can do, but sounds is beyond me, so I'll have to get them off the 'net, I suppose.
ari At first I couldn't tell what the heck you meant when you wrote "psone." XDDDD Why don't you just type psx? That's less letters. XD And I wish I had a jpns psx... Can't play Valkyrie Profile beyond disc 1 'cause it's a jpns version... and you can't get Lezard to join in until disc 2!!!!!!! T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T So... If I'm playing games, I just play Bejeweled. -v-/~
ryuuen I didn't know that you had a website back in 1998! XD Come to think of it, I don't know when I first began Catnip... XD And your extremely belated bday gift shall arrive... soon...hopefully. -v-;;; At least I got to scan it. XD It's unbelievably....shocking and cute....? XDDDDDDD
And...I...have to run to class... XD
Sunday, September 23, 2001 | 06:19 a.m.
This game'll be the death of me... -_-;;;; Up at 6:22am and finally died on the 172min game... 48860. And the highest scoring move's like 280. XD Figure that.
No rant on what I've been ranting for the past few days since it's a weekend and I can't get any news on it except a little snatches here and there. XP Just... Yay for those anti-war demos~~~~ -v-/~~~
Thursday, September 20, 2001 | 11:37 p.m.
...My image of US right now... A clumsy giant thumping the earth, destroying villages and towns, while the ant that he's looking for is well hidden underground and impervious to the attacks...
Is it just me, or is the US gov acting too clumsily? Seems like terrorism would be a case where you have to use poison against poison, subtlety against subtelty (sp...? -v-;). Sure, US might have the greatest military power, but what is that against one terrorist?
Here's another imagery that came to my mind just right now. A thwarted child hitting around randomly at people and things that are not directly the cause of his annoyance.
Anyway...minmei >> It's the weirdest thing... Bad things seem to pile up on one another, doesn't it? I just found out that an uncle of a friend died just last week...
p.s. I only hope all the loud talk about war and stuff is cover for something more effective.
Sunday, September 16, 2001 | 03:11 p.m.
BTW, ryuuen~ do you mean "shirayukihime"???
Sunday, September 16, 2001 | 03:05 p.m.
Why does it have to be war and about attacking countries? Why are people so eager to kill?
Friday, September 14, 2001 | 02:40 a.m.
On a calmer note now that I've hashed it out with my roommie and vented out my feelings at the expense of her time for doing her paper revision... -v-;;;
I guess different people have different stages they go through when faced with such a tragedy. I felt only mixed sadness at the loss of so many lives at once; others felt keenly the grief because they were victims of the terrorism and lost family and friends, and they want revenge on people who are responsible for the deaths of their loved ones; then there are the people who, to me, seem to skip the grief stage and just get all angry and demand retribution at once.
In any case, most of us are overwrought and panic-stricken, and I can only hope that everyone can calm down enough soon so that they won't commit acts of hatred that they might later come to regret. If you are full of anger, then I can only plead that you do nothing until you are calm enough to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Thursday, September 13, 2001 | 07:38 p.m.
Warning: Please do not read this entry if you are not in the mood to read another angry rant against some of the stupid people who advocate for war. This entry is not about praying for the dead and for those who are still fighting for their lives. (although I do and am praying in my own way in private.)
I completely agree with ryuuen. ;_; Maybe it's just that I'm a pacifist at heart or something, but I just don't want a damned war in which there's gonna be more and more killing.
In one of our classes, we discussed the incident and what our thoughts are on it. Most people said we should examine and analyze what's happening instead of just reacting to what happened. I completely agree. However, there were some who said we have to fight, show them that America can't be messed with, and that it was necessary to go to war. I was distressed as it was with all this talk of people wanting U.S. to go to war, to kill without even really thinking about what it means, then this guy started saying well really, no, he doesn't mean we should go to a war. No, instead, the best solution would be to occupy the country! I was aghast and dumbfounded that anyone could be so stupid, when he started saying sure, we made a mistake when we occupied Germany, but we were successful in Japan! .... Well... That was the last straw. No, I didn't get mad. I was just extremely sad and I don't know...upset that anyone in college could be that STUPID and IGNORANT as to advocate for occupation of another country, and mentioning Japan completely broke me down, so I had to run outta the classroom so I can cry in private... Why did it upset me so much? Because I just could not believe that anyone could just say "oops, yeah, we made a mistake when we occupied Germany, but we can do better this time" like they learned anything from the mistake! Don't these stupid ignorant people know what another country's army occupation could do to another country!? The occupation in Germany was a mistake? Hell, yeah! And that's a kind of mistake that should NEVER be repeated in history! Occupation in Japan was successful? Yeah right, when we still have problems with rapes and other crimes committed by the occupying army and the problem of dealing with them just because the damned U.S. government won't hand the culprits over! God, I HATE these idiots!!!!
And you know why I'm so damned upset with these people more than the nation that might be harboring the terrorists? Because America's a relatively enlightened country, or so it claims to be one, and it certainly ain't acting like one! Yes, I know it's only a part of the population that are this ignorant and stupid, but doesn't anybody understand that the people who committed the terrorism and those who cheered are just that percentage of idiots in the other country? That it's not the whole nation or the race of people!?
Well...I had to get that out of the system... I think I should start sorting through my clothing and see if I can pack some stuff for donation since I can't donate blood... -_-;;
Thursday, September 13, 2001 | 09:39 a.m.
I wasn't gonna say anything more or the subject or else I'll prolly be in a blog war with ari, but I just couldn't repress it, not after what I read in the newspaper today.
We don't have cable and the reception is bad because we live close to NY, so I haven't been able to make out all that's going on. So I had quite a surprise when I read the newspaper today that quoted president Bush: "This will be a monumental struggle of good versus evil." Well, I won't say that the terrorist act wasn't evil. I only hope no one's gonna go out on a witch hunt for the terrorists. When you put it in such black and white terms, some idiots are gonna think it's their mission to take it upon themselves to deal justice and start hurting innocent people. Mixed messages that adults are sending out is going to affect the children too who won't understand. What's most important here, imho, is to keep calm as much as possible and keep the damage within the country to the minimum. The terrorists will have succeeded in one of their aims if people panicked into a false witch hunt.
Thursday, September 13, 2001 | 02:13 a.m.
I knew people wouldn't like what I said in my previous entry. but ari, I'm not saying there's too much hype over the whole incident. It's the other way around. There isn't enough hype over the "small" deaths. Besides, does the number of deaths change the weight of each life, whether it was killed in an individual random murder or in a mass killing?
And if people feel that they need to feel more sorrow for the mass killing than other deaths, then that is their choice. I'm not refuting that. I was only explaining why personally I've mixed feelings about giving myself into grieving. Do you think that just because I hesitate and think about other deaths, I don't feel sorry that so many people died? I've been giving prayers for them and crying because it's so damned sad that so many people died, and also because some stupid people still want more deaths. Do I have to say all that when it's needless to say that anyone with intelligence and feelings must be grieving in his or her own way?
Wednesday, September 12, 2001 | 10:24 p.m.
Well...didn't write anything yesterday because I didn't have anything to say. What is there to say still? I tend to look at things more objectively, and if that seems cold hearted, that's the way I am, so I can't help it.
I feel sad for all the people who died, and who might be dying even now from yesterday's event. Yet does it not seem hypocritical to be feeling grief for these people when there are thousands who die daily unknown to us? That's why I can't really give myself up to grief or sorrow over the incident. Yes, it's sad that these people died because of some people who were stupid enough to think dying and killing people would actually produce anything positive. What's sadder is that we don't take notice of all the other deaths out there.
What was further aggravating to me, watching the news, were those people crying for war and revenge. War? Revenge? That's supposed to be better than what those terrorists did? Death for death? And who's supposed to go to war? Those people sitting in their houses, watching the evening news, saying "we" should "show those cowards that they can't mess with us" ? Of course not. They get to stay in their houses, cry for war, while more and more innocent people get killed on both sides.
I'm sorry, but those deaths we have already are enough for me. I don't want more innocent people dead. Get at those who were behind the terrrosism? Sure, I'm all for it, as long as we can keep the death tolls of the innocent low as possible, and that ain't war.
Friday, September 7, 2001 | 10:03 p.m.
Been sleeping through most of the day if I weren't on the comp. XD Went out only once for dinner. Gotta do laundry since I'm running outta clean towels and underwears. -v-;;; Anyway, been trying to be more productive and actually doing some cgs...although... I cheated on one of the pics today... fuuu... It's an ooooold pic that I never colored. I don't even know how old. XD And right now, in process of coloring a zakky pic I drew last year (you saw it, ari for the pre-game story one) and trying to decide what color goes where... -_-;;; The thing I hate about coloring is trying to get the right colors in the right places. >x< I much prefer plain black and white pencil drawings. XD
ari and minmei >> thank you for worrying~~~ ^^;;; Don't worry too much about me. I just get this way once in a while. Sometimes it lasts for months, sometimes it's just for a week or so, and it feels like it's the longer one, but it's not like I'm always depressed 24 hours a day. XD There's just too much bad stuff going on, and it's hard to stay strong and count only the blessings. ^^; So I have to let it out somewhere, and since there's no good crying place in school ('cause I've a roommate, and I hate crying where people can see me crying XD), I just fall into self-pity in my blogs. XD But I do feel that maybe I oughta close my sites temporarily... 'cause I'm just not up to keeping them up. ^^;;
Thursday, September 6, 2001 | 06:16 p.m.
Gwa...I'm thinking of closing down all my sites temporarily... -_-;;; I'm busy with school and other activities, plus I'm in depression right now. I don't think it'll go away for a while either, which means I'm not exactly in a good or productive mood. I'm gonna concentrate on schoolwork and take my ill humor out in the class discussions. XD
Bwheee...I hate being close to tears all the time... -_-;;; If I let myself, I'd cry right now too... -_-;;;;
What do you feel when someone you trusted completely destroyed your current life so that you had to build a new, worse one for yourself and there's no one to turn to? Do you feel angry, hatred? I feel completely disappointed and just damned sad and want to go back to the way it was, even though I know it isn't possible...
Anyway...ari >> XPPP~~~ I'm just sick and tired of seeing the Flower Comic shoujo suggestive style. XP~ If I get tired of the innocent pure style (which I don't think I ever will 'cause I can't draw it) I go for bloody, and I mean ugly bloody, not those picturesque bloody stuff. -v-;;;
Hau~~...Off to 3 hour club activities booth thing again...and I've been up since 7am this morning, been out most of the day for classes, and now I won't be back until after 10pm. >x<
p.s. Bought a black eyeliner and no idea to use it~~~ I look like a raccoon, and there's no time to take off all my make up and put it back on again, so gonna go out looking like a raccoon~~~ -v-/~~~~~
ryuuen >> Happy belated bday, ryuuen~~~~ Can I make the manga I sent you as your bday gift? XDDD j/k~ I'll try to draw something~ :DDD
Sunday, September 2, 2001 | 01:24 p.m.
Why is it so durn cold in my room...? >x< Anyway, dun like the freshmen this year... They're so noisy...and they talk on the phone right outside my room door... -_-;;; Why can't they talk in their rooms!? XP And they don't seem to have the concept of an answering machine... @_@;;;; What's with that? I mean my freshman year, I was ashamed of having a separate answering machine from the phone because everyone got the high tech phones with the built in answering machines. Now, they all have darn computers that they don't even know how to use, but don't have a damn answering machine! Why'm I mad? 'Cause the girls next door went somewhere last night and their damned phone kept on ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing through the night! XPPP
And just right now, I look across the hall from me, and the girls in that room came back around noon and are sleeping right now (we've a sign that tells when we're in/out/studying/sleeping). Jeez. Freshmen! XP
ari >> ecchi ja nakute hentai dayo, anta XD
Sunday, September 2, 2001 | 01:24 p.m.
Why is it so durn cold in my room...? >x< Anyway, dun like the freshmen this year... They're so noisy...and they talk on the phone right outside my room door... -_-;;; Why can't they talk in their rooms!? XP And they don't seem to have the concept of an answering machine... @_@;;;; What's with that? I mean my freshman year, I was ashamed of having a separate answering machine from the phone because everyone got the high tech phones with the built in answering machines. Now, they all have darn computers that they don't even know how to use, but don't have a damn answering machine! Why'm I mad? 'Cause the girls next door went somewhere last night and their damned phone kept on ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing through the night! XPPP
And just right now, I look across the hall from me, and the girls in that room came back around noon and are sleeping right now (we've a sign that tells when we're in/out/studying/sleeping). Jeez. Freshmen! XP
ari >> ecchi ja nakute hentai dayo, anta XD
Saturday, September 1, 2001 | 09:09 a.m.
Fuuuu.... -_-;;; The kiddies wake up pretty early (8am XD). I guess it's normal for them since they're fresh out of high school where you have to get up earlier, but still... Not a good feeling to have 'em up and awake all at the same time and needing the bathroom. -v-;;
And from what I can tell, it seems like we got maybe 3 anime freaks in the house (without counting my friend downstairs and my roommate XD). One of them borrowed my friend's inuyasha vcd's, and the other one last night was asking me to translate a manga that was around in the living room (when my mind was not working at all -v-;;;). The third one might not be an anime freak, but she's into jpns dramas and kimutaku. XD I wonder how long it'll take for the rest of the house to get influenced? XD And the girl who borrowed inuyasha does some cg too, or that's what her mom said (and the mom talked a lot! XD) so I'm waiting for the right opportunity to ask her about that. Plus, she got a scanner. -v-/~~~ I need one~~~~
BTW, you vamp crews, if you're reading this, I lost my main design sheet for Emile... TxT It got lost when I moved into my dorm!!!! >x< And that had EVERYTHING in it toooooooooooooo!! T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T So I tried to fit in some of the info onto 2 other sheets that I was working on, but I might've left some stuff out... Like what his vest looks like...or maybe I'll add that on since I don't want to forget. XD I will try to scan them in asap. If the comp lab's open today, I might scan them in since I have to go out today.
ari >> It wouldn't be so tiring if I didn't move in early... Freshmen usually move in ealier than returning students and get themselves settled down before we come in, but this year, I moved in ealier (than even the freshmen) for choir stuff, so I'm here while they're settling down and I get to help them settle down just 'cause I'm a senior... -_-;; Plus, I'm the only available comp tech help around here... -_-;; And I'm just an english major dammit!!!! XPPP (So when we were having a dinner, it's like: "she's an english major so you can go to her for help on your papers" "she speaks japanese, so if you ever need help in your classes, she can help you" "she does a lot of Internet stuff, so if you need help with setting up your connection, she can do it for you" etc.... -v-;;;;;; That's my friend, the PAL: Peer Academic Leader speaking... She gets paid and I'm doing it for free, dammit! XP)
Friday, August 31, 2001 | 05:41 p.m.
Hauuu... -_-;;; My friend just came in, jumped around on my bed because she was hyper, and finally left. And I'm just about to write about the house too. XD
I'm not good with strangers, and this year, except for my friend, the RA, and my roommate, they're all freshmen and transfers in the house. ~_~;; I don't think I can get along with most of them either. Just don't like some of the people that came in. Not my type. XP I guess I shouldn't really complain since most of them are freshmen and have no clue about life or college, but still... I'm not the patient kind and I've no patience for the kind of stupidity that most freshmen bring with them.
I know. I was a freshman once. I was just as clueless, although not as much as they. They don't even read any of the fine prints that answers most of the questions/problems that they have. XP They let their parents do everything, and expect my friend (who's a Peer Academic Leader: pal XD) to do and explain everything to them. I wasn't like that... Maybe that's why I was stressed out as a freshman, but still. XD They gotta start learning how to be on their own...
And I'm cranky because I'm not good with speaking with strangers and the house is full of strangers, and I don't have anyone to talk to~ Plus the dining hall is either closed or it's full of freshmen so I don't know what I'm gonna do for dinner... -_-;;
Thursday, August 30, 2001 | 09:51 p.m.
=_=;;;;;; I have a headache... =_=;;;;;; I had just one and a half meal today...ran around getting textbooks and water and other daily necessities (and I'm still not done getting them all), and set up school internet connections for at least 4 freshmen... -_-;;;; I've been kinda feverish since yesterday after all that hardwork moving in to the dorm, but now I think it's getting worse because my eyesight got from bad to worse and I can't see at all, my head hurts, and I get dizzy. -_-;;;;;
I look like hell probably... -_-;;; I think I'm gonna go to bed now. I can't do anything. +_O;;;
p.s. I should be getting paid for doing all this... -_-;; I mean sure, I'm an upperclassman, I should help freshmen, but still, there's a limit... -_-;; I'm lazy and I'm not the helping kind at all. -_-;;;
Thursday, August 30, 2001 | 08:33 a.m.
Gaaaaaaaaah.... @_@;;; It's morning, and I hurt all over!!!! >x< The muscle pain the muscle pain!!!! >x<
And...I'm starving... TxT No breakfast... I gotta go out and get my textbooks...but I don't know when the campus buses're running... -_-;;;; And I'm not even changed yet... fuuuuuuuu....and here I am, on the 'net. -v-;;;
I'm so thirsty too... MUST get drinks... >x< Need...water... @_@;;;;
Thursday, August 30, 2001 | 01:11 a.m.
Hauuu~~~~ -_-;;;;; Moved into dorm today... I hate it...Due to family problems, I have to move in ALL my stuff, and that's like REAL moving, not just school move-in! XP My wrist hurts from carrying all the boxes, and I don't think my roommate'll be happy about all the boxes in the room and the way it's set up... -_-;;; But it was the best I could do, considering how to avoid fire hazards, give my roommate space ('cause she brings a lot of stuff too, just because), and try to fit my stuff... >x< My winter clothing's squished in a bag under my bed... -_-;;; There're boxes under my bed too...boxes, boxes... -_-;;;
*sigh* I hate school...just one more year though, and I'm outta here!!!!
Anyway...don't mind me when I start harping on suicide... -_-;;; I think I'm slightly depressive-maniac (if that's the rigth term XD). Usually I'm okay, but too much pressure and stress, and I get near to the breaking point. -_-;; But I probably won't ever break. So...just don't mind me... I'm just venting out here. Plus...there was nothing else to write about. XD
Sunday, August 26, 2001 | 02:22 a.m.
Sometimes I wonder why living things live. Why I live. Why don't I just give it up? Why do I want to live? Why do I not want to die?
Sometimes, when things seem impossible, I have to pause and look, and I see only emptiness. This void that's called life, and my personality, my memories, my everything's just a shell or some kind of coating around the emptiness. And it's a blackhole that tries to suck me in, and I'm always fighting it.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I'm not. I just wonder why I'm not. Why is the basic instinct of a living thing is to survive? At one time, my answer was "to be happy." What kind of a reply is that? But I have to make that my answer because there's nothing else. If I didn't tell myself why I choose to go along with my life, I might start wishing to end it because I'm sick and tired of it.
I never thought that way before until now. There was a point in my life when death seemed one of the few choices open to me, and I never thought of choosing it. Dying was for cowards, running away, and I would never choose to die.
Or that's what I thought, and I guess I still think it in some ways. The only thing is, what point is there? I mean really, why do we want to live? Why do I, despite all my negative thoughts at the moment?
Partly, I'm a coward. I'm afraid of dying. Even if I got desperate enough to want to kill myself, I'd never be able to do it because I'd be too scared.
The other part, I used to believe in and still try to make myself believe: I owe it to whoever gave me life. That can be mother, parents, family, friends, anyone who cares about me...but if I thought of all that, then I'd be crushed from all the pressure. So I just think, I owe it to my life to live. Just the fact that I'm aware is a gift, however double edged, and I don't want to fill my awareness with the blackness that's filling me now...
It's only that sometimes I just get tired. Tired of everything, and I want to end my awareness so I won't be tired.
Hmph...sounds like some short story I might write. XD I wrote something similar in high school, when I pretended that I actually attempted suicide. There've been many times when I thought about suicide and ways to do it, but I've never attempted it and never will. We were supposed to write about some story of ourselves that might be true or partly fictional, and I chose to make it partly fictional. But I added on at the end that it wasn't true. Didn't want my teacher going 'round thinking I've tried to kill myself once and that I trusted him so much that I told him about it. He said he wished I didn't add that at the end, but I'm a good storyteller, and he'd have believed that story, which I didn't want. -_-;;
Saturday, August 18, 2001 | 02:50 p.m.
Finally adding something. XD Nothing much to say...just too hot, too tired, and too lazy to do anything. XD
Been downloading Seki Toshihiko mp3s... If anyone has any of his Koko wa Greenwood songs, tell me. *o*
Cattail Cafe doesn't work at all in NN, but after all the work I put into it, don't feel like making it NN compatible... -_-;;; Why couldn't these stupid browsers agree on what we can use or not, instead of competing with each other on which has more features or not? XP
ari >> Couldn't take a multitasking job that requires Pagemaker. Dunno how to use it. XD Too lazy to learn~~~~ XD
*listening to* For Real (saiyuki), Running Through the Night (ols), To the Light (star ocean ex)
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